I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
