Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
