farters have to be the big spoon...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
