One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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