so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
