I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
