On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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