I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
