I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
don't judge my taste in strippers
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
