I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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