He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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