I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
