I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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