I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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