If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
