it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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