At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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