He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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