how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
