so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My breasts were aching with rage.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
