I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
