12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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