its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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