I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
