sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
