guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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