wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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