So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
