I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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