the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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