I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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