The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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