nut hugger
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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