I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.