I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
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Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.