I could have mohawked her pubes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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