I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
