Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
