So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
