12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
