I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
