As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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