Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
