you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
