Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
farters have to be the big spoon...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
