Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
