I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
