yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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