i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
