this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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