you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
