is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
