I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
