My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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