Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
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