Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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