So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
