Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
