if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
