remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
